Unsaid Thoughts

I’d like to picture him dancing amongst the locals, and I’d like to remember them as something worth remembering. Smiling folk, some with fisherman’s teeth, calling out and singing aloud as though we were in an old country, as though we were home. I’d like to picture him coming in through the old door, looming alone in that way that he carried himself. And I’d like to think those smiling folk drew the truth from him.

That the door stopped him, that the wood suddenly sprouted and grew as bamboo grows—a hundred feet tall—and the thought of the implications which would be hurled at him froze his feet in place and sweat gathered on the back of his neck and that she pushed by him and went inside. That when the door opened and that bit of light and warmth seeped through, it convinced him that he wasn’t meant for the cold loneliness of the coast that night.

That the locals stopped, confused to find him in company but that her manner and his told them all they need to know, that there was nothing to know. And that maybe she could have seen him throw with the locals and boast and drink and find that he was the right choice after all. That he was one of the few who was good. That he did good with what came his way and that he was as much a knight as any man could be in this day in age.

And I’d like to picture that he didn’t fall from the narrow path into the sea below, that he swooned and gathered his balance with his wits and that he made it to the road. That maybe her arm lifted his, and helped him there, and that she drove the mice away and laid his head down on the cot, and that, for all his gruff on life, an angel watched over him for one night and that he was both very lucky and very deserving of it all. 

That his eyes crept open and his hoarse voice whispered, “why?”
And that she smiled and closed his eyes with a wave.

I’d like to picture 
a just world with angels real 
that coddle sad souls walking 
alone on rainy coasts 
there at night.

Fragments cling to my heart’s eye. We chose the table in the middle, the only table available. There was heavy traffic, mostly aged locals, to the counter with cream and cocoa powder and stir sticks, and many looked down at the boys and smiled. A young couple who smelled as though they’d been on the road sat to my left. She rubbed his shoulders and struggled to sit down and he spent a fair bit of time staring at a screen. I sensed trouble in their future but reminded myself it was rude to assume, that maybe their tale would be a lovely one, a real romance. The morning was warmth, the people were happy, and the food drew us to the counter. I held my cup in the crook of my finger and watched Philo play with a straw and some sugar packets. You sipped coffee too, and every now and again, our eyes would meet and you would smile. I hope now that I smiled back. We might’ve seemed strange or distant to one another because we did not speak much at our little table, but we didn’t need to. It’s been growing more so, that we sit with one another and watch them and laugh and the present is so sweet it burns to pass. And the nights when we’re alone and we forgo our work to sit and talk about the things in life we must scream about, and we laugh and say nothing to one another, but I hope you know that you are my best friend in a way that sears it to my soul, and that the boys really are a light indescribable. Anyways, that morning in the cafe on the coast was lovely. You were lovely.

One day I expect to face existence alone again, and I know my spine will remain and I can exhale a shuddering breath remembering your smile and our time together, and maybe the waves will crash and I with them. It’ll be out there on those cliffs. I will dissipate to nevermore and no one will really know that I stayed for you.

The pain was blunt and his body raw. It hovered in his consciousness like a cloud, all over. There was no time to differentiate. No time to get better. The summer breezes sang through the trees above the square, their little round leaves shimmering in the sunlight. He knew the name of those trees once, when he was young and his father was teaching him of the world. He could not remember now, and there was no time. He had but a moment and he rather spend it smelling the air, hearing those leaves rattle against one another, soft, like the kiss of a girl he knew long ago. They had tore their clothes off and ran into the sea, and she smiled at him and her eyes said that they would not know each other long, but they would have that afternoon in the sea, in the sun. The water was blue. He smiled in the square, the pain dull now, far off for he had his mind.
The soldiers about him went about their business with little regard to the makings of his face. He was a Gaul, an enemy. His art was foreign and unbalanced to them. His home was poorly built of wood and the fires inside made it stink. These soldiers were a new class of human, they said, the next coming of man, and it was true, their walls were strong. Their armor shone in the light now and he had to hand it to them, they were efficient. A man’s voice called out, and one of the men next to him died quickly. 
He decided to drift off again. He smelled the air and watched the shadows dance off the wall. He remembered his feet in the moist dirt on a fall day. His memory hall was a kind place. The grass was green and friends were there. Friends were free. They ran, naked, through the fields, the wind blowing shadows across the hills.

And that is how he died, smiling at the wall, the shadows of leaves rolling in the breeze. What a nice time of year to go, he thought, though he couldn’t deny that inside his heart, he wanted another day.

A man’s voice called out, and summer vanished.

The boy crouched low to the dusty ground, looking both ways, before he shuffled up to the iron ladder and gripped it tight. The boy heaved himself onto the train.
A boy behind him grimaced. He followed slowly, with his hands in his pockets and couldn’t resist turning his head. The boy behind him looked as though he were in trouble. His voice shook. 
“Where you gonna go?”
“Judging by these tracks, someplace west of here.”
The boy crouched low on the train now.
“Hurry up, toss me up my bag and get lost, before someone sees you.”
The other boy did as he was told, and stopped back, his leather boots drawing little clouds of dust about his feet. He couldn’t help but drag one foot, and then the other. He couldn’t sit still.
“But I don’t rightly understand where-“
“Will you just go!”
The other boy sniffled then, for he was hurt. The boy on the train clenched his jaw and took a breath. He didn’t want to hurt him.
“Look, I’ll come back real soon alright?”
The other boy looked up through his crying eyes then.
“You promise?”
“Cross my heart.”
The other boy just sniffled.
“Now get out of here before someone sees ya.”
The other boy turned with his hands still in his pockets. His boots dragged in the dirt and he walked as one does when their heart is broken and nothing quite seems right.
The boy on the train whistled, and the sad little other boy turned his head.
“I’ll see you again. I’ll be back with two big guns and a name.”
“You got a name.”
“Not one I made yet.”
The other boy just watched.
The steam engine at the front of the train screamed shrill to their left. The boy on the train glanced toward the front of the train then back to the other boy.
“Take care of Ma.”
He touched his hat as the train lurched into motion. Neither boy waved. The other boy watched the train grow smaller on the horizon, hands still in his pockets, heart still in the dirt. He watched that train a long time, until it was a black speck on the horizon and then nothing at all, and then he watched awhile longer until the sun got low and the sky turned orange. When his dusty boots clambered onto the wooden floor of their cabin, his mother asked him, where you been?
“Nowhere,” he said.

On the Road Again

The shifter sticks coming out of second, the chassis groans in the turns, and the crumbling wheel fits in with the countryside. Everywhere outcrops of disheveling rock spot the green hillsides. Livestock pull by the root, unconcerned. And on he drives, his feet pressuring each pedal as needs be, his eyes shirking the light as he pulls into the shade of the next hill.

He remembers her as he drives, leaning into the turns, then forgets awhile. The road straightens out and she returns. He wonders what they were like then. He wonders what it would’ve been to sit across from them in a crowded cafe, feeling the heat from across the room. He can see her downturned eyes, her lovely eyes. He sees himself, a brooding colt. He remembers how every word wore so heavy on them. And he remembers the pain and the long road of goodbye. He looks out at a pasture to his right. It seems peaceful to him. He considers pulling over, cutting the rubber of his tires, and staying forever.

A grin finds his lips. His foot pushes down on the accelerator. A cable under the hood behind him signals the old engine to let more air in.

He remembers it all as though he read it in a friendly, old book. She loves the world with all she has. She bleeds for it. He tries to follow. After all, he’s young. He thinks he’s invincible. Love is a chemical addiction. Summer nights burn fierce. 

The grin fades from his face as he remembers further. The sea shows itself to his right. The brilliant blues draw his eyes. The worn shifter fits in his fastball fingers like some ancient craftsman meant it to. He’s glad he remembers the good. 

In his memory cafe, he rises from his seat and leaves the young couple in their place by the window. His heart still has mending to do. He’s gentle with the shifter as he pulls back out of second. The road winds ahead. He smells the air blowing in from the sea, and sets his jaw in a proud place. His resilience and his jaw line are all he has left. He doesn’t care if his eyes are soft now or his heart is quick to run. 

He looks out over the steering wheel at the road ahead.

Two hundred years prior a ship enters the channel. There is no bridge, no pillars. There is only a wide river cutting through cliffs of green. Russian fur traders piss off the bow. They laugh to one another at the steam rising and the streams they leave. A swede watches from his place on the starboard rail. He’s in awe of the new world. What great things we’ll accomplish here, he thinks, what a land this will be. If only he could see the concrete pillars two hundred years later. If only we could say to him, “yes those are cars crossing that channel in seconds.” And he would ask where are they going and why, and we’d say, “to buy trinkets and over-priced coffee of course.” And he might shake at the future and the ease of life. 

“And the winters?” he’d ask. 
“Not so bad,” we’d say. 

And he’d grin in a way only those of the North can and we’d see hope in it, so we’d add, “It’s actually pretty tolerable. We’re figuring it all out. Would you like an Americano?” 

“amare…” he’d trail off and smile.

And we’d sip the bean water and discuss the many technological advances humans have made in all the years since he’s been around, and he’ll revel in our brilliance.

“So—no more poor?”

To which we’d stutter and fall silent.

“Um, still a lot of poor folks out there.”
“But surely no more hungry children?”

To which we’d swallow a lump.

“Plenty, we’re afraid.”
“Hmmm.” He’d say, and we’d be ashamed to see that happy northern smile fade back into the past. 

But we would have no more words. Would we tell him of the nuclear bombs or the wars that would make his tremble?

After a time, the Swede would sigh and we would prepare for his words. He’d sip his americano, looking down at the funny little cup.

“I was poor when I walked the world.” He would say. Then he’d set down his cup and rise from his chair.
“What now?”

And Neither him, nor you, nor I would see the wave coming.

She smiled like a criminal from her side of the table. Her skin was browned from the summer sun and shone from her time in the sea. Her smile came in flashes of brilliance. It was always so. Her grin and then her eyes. One to draw you in and one to cut you.

People coming into town to see what all the fuss was about filtered in through the door. They commented on the muffins and the taste of the local coffee. But he only loved her in the corner. And she held him there, dangling that smile and the soft places along her neck. The straps of her dress hung loosely about her shoulders. He followed the traces of her lines, eyed the faint shadowing along her shoulders.

From across the cafe, two men with white hair watched.

“Hmm.”
“Like a fly in a spider’s web.”
“Let him.”
“Oh, I won’t speak up.”

The old man grabbed his coffee from the bar and smiled at the barista through the steam. 

“Good.” He said.
“But it is clear, he’s caught.”

The old man grinned without teeth.

“Clearly.”

The young man in the corner whispered something to the beautiful girl and she smiled again. She rose without smoothing out her dress. She extended a hand and her eyes followed. The young man sat, floored.

One of the white haired men whistled low.

The young man took her hand. The beautiful girl flowed by, and out on to the street. She grew more beautiful in the sunlight. Heads turned as the young man followed.

The old man who had grinned sipped his coffee.

“To be caught again.”

And his old mind drifted upwards with the steam from the espresso machine. It drifted up higher and faded into an older time, when he took a hand of a beautiful girl and still loved the beaches and the sun. The old man grinned without teeth as he reminisced about his legs when he was young and the way the surf felt as it crashed over his shoulders. And he saw his girl, laughing in the summer sun. Her skin was brown too.

The phone rang.

“Are you sure about this?” she asked.

He grinned.

“Don’t answer it.”
“That’s the third voicemail today.”
“To hell with ‘em.”
“They’ll fire you by Monday.”

The thought excited him. It filled him with dread, and the same feeling of morbid hate flooded his gut. It was the feeling of standing at the feet of a monster without so much as a toothpick to defend yourself.

“Let’s go,” he said, but his smile was gone.

It was the little boy’s first day ever at the beach and he never saw the ocean. The ocean was too far off and there was too much sand to eat and feel.

The river that ran alongside the beach was green and deep. A seal’s wide head protruded from the surface, its black eyes blinking at them from the green.

They were talking about anything but work. She knew he was worried even though he smiled and pointed at the birds. But at the sight of the seal, he said, “let’s not worry anymore,” as though they had been talking about it all along. 

He snatched the little boy up and threw him over his shoulders. The little boy’s head bounced as they made their way to the water.

“You see it?” he asked.

He pointed out over the river. The waves were still too far to see. The little boy squinted at the strange thing bobbing in the water. The seal blew mist from its nostrils. They could see droplets dripping from his whiskers. The little boy watched quietly. The black eyes blinked back at him.

“You see?” he whispered.

The little boy shook his arm. The seal blew more mist from its nostrils. He held the boy close and watched his eyes. The little boy smiled and he knew they’d be alright.

Last Fall

Huddled over, the night sky burned cold above him. Stars sat crisp. His hands, well-worn and glowing, drank in the warmth of crackling red flame. The flames stayed low, as though they were conscious of his loneliness, and the loneliness of the night. His back was stone—frozen from the harsh truth of a planet-side dark and away from the comfort of the Sun. He did not grumble over his state. He did not speak anymore. Instead, he remembered. He remembered long-gone seasons. He remembered the color yellow and the years he knew. Only the flames made a sound. Even the running stars were silent. They passed at steady pace, cutting the sky in two without a thought—without consideration that someone might be watching. Why should they care? He stoked the little bit of wood he had left. The flames were dying down. It would come soon: the pain. It didn’t matter to him. There had been nights past when the cries of the others would carry on and on and on. But now, it was quiet. Beyond the glow, the world stretched out in waves. Sand and sky. Salt and sea. The lines melded and stretched and reformed; the air burned in his nostrils; sand assaulted his eyes, but he did not care. He was thinking of yellow. He was sitting across from her, and she was laughing. They passed their beer back and forth. They talked about their future and smelled her cigar’s smoke while they committed the act of love in the subtlest of ways: they were kind to one another. They coexisted, their hearts weaving together in the warm air of a summer afternoon. A breeze carried over. The honey locusts danced in a thousand shimmering leaves. He was far from the sand now, far from the aching cold—yes—he was across from her. She blinked, and looked up at him, and the feeling was there—oh, it had been so long. So long, he thought, since he’d had a reason but there she was, a memory, a warm wind. He opened his eyes. The flames were gone. Only a pulsing heap of red coals remained. He lay with his face in the sand, arms crossed, smiling—smiling, for she was there. She was right there, and birds were still calling, and leaves were still singing, and her eyes were still open and they could see him and, for that, he existed again. And he fell asleep there, in that otherworldly cold—alone, frozen, silent. He did not ramble on to the night as some loony lonesome would. He had her. So, he had hope. And the night took him at his finest, with she being his last sight, a smile across his lips.

Sheets of rain danced over the tall street-side windows. A couple ran by clinging to their disguises: they clung to their collars and pulled their hats down as though they were praying, as though it might save them from the coming weather. After them, no one passed the coffee shop. The city turned in and fell to darkness. The lights of the coffee house became an island—no, a ship—adrift in the storm. Baristas hid in the back from their work and divulged the travesties of their lives. It was Shakespeare in a kitchen. A window table cradled a man dressed in a form-fitting three-piece suit. The man’s watch alone could cover three years’ worth of his twenty-ounce mochas. The shine of his loafers suggested he was an important man and yet, he spent his night scrolling through a variety of dating apps. Money would never afford him companionship—not really. Behind him, another lonely soul slept in the corner, head down, wrinkled fingers clenched to a filthy quilt. The quilt hid the man’s face, but not his stench. It would not be long until the man in the shiny loafers and the impeccable suit would turn on him, would complain to the baristas, who would whine in turn, at the shameful stopping of their tales, and kick the old bum out into the rain, where the old man would lumber into the storm, a dinghy in the great swells, searching for some sanctuary at which to dock. It might be a concrete overhang—cold but dry. And it might not be. Oblivious to them all, sat a girl with a book. Her latte was untouched. It was cold, an hour old. The wonder in her eyes would have saved them all, had they looked. In her eyes was everything humanity aspired to be, everything that made this world good, and nature beautiful. Had they looked, the baristas might’ve given the old man a coffee and respite from the storm. Had he looked, the man in his suit might have spent less time shining his shoes and more time laughing. Had he looked, the old man might have tried again. But they didn’t.

Intermission:

If this is all that I write on this Monday night,
That is fine.
No scenes needed, no beating of the brain, 
I’m tired after all.

But so were they.

Benji pitted the cold air and the noise and the struggle against his other option—Oh, I could give up, he thought, give up and stay here in the warm. Say that I’m sick forever and never go back to that place where they force us to sit still and the mean women yells. Maybe I could run away, sleep with the buffalo—become one (Benji’s father had assured him that Benji could indeed do this if he wanted) so I don’t get cold in the winter—ah yes! I’d be short, it’s true—the shortest probably—but I’d be happy. I’m not happy there. Benji reached with his toes, thoroughly enjoying the weight of his covers. Ah god, I can’t! I just can’t do it! I won’t! I must go away. After all, each day here is the same, this battle royale in the morning darkness. The buffalo wouldn’t yell at me. I could eat and sleep and play whenever I wanted. I’d lay back late in the night, my thickly furred head resting on the grasses, my buffalo tongue lopped out on its side, and I’d grin at the stars and snort warm air out from my nostrils—A voice called from the other room. Oh. Mom. Benji thought. Would she come with me? She probably can’t turn into a buffalo since she’s been a woman so long. She doesn’t have the power, not like me. If she can’t do what I do, why, she’d never fit in! Benji’s heart fell silent at this. Would I get a new mother amongst the buffalo? Would I forget mom here? Benji curled his toes once more. He took a deep breath and sighed. The voice called again. Benji threw back his covers and went to her. One more day couldn’t hurt too bad, he thought.

A season had passed since he’d seen the trees and dry-grass field of the park. Maybe two had. He didn’t know; he couldn’t remember. In one of those fleeting moments where Jack snuck books to him so he could escape the signs and the speeches and the constant fear of the clubs across the way, he read a piece that dismissed beauty as something to be judged. It was said, in one masterful thought, the beauty was to be sensed—profoundly felt—that it was a natural phenomenon and was to be treated as such—and not some elementary pageant. Those words came to him now as he stepped amongst the dandelions. He was careful not to disturb their yellow pedals. Thunderheads rolled on above. Winds shook the tall cedars and oaks, branches waving, while little maples crouched in between.  He breathed deep. Sunlight broke through. Maybe it had been three seasons, he thought. He made to smoke but thought better of it—there was no need to soften the rain-fresh air. There was no need to change anything, here.

            Two rascals sullied the peace. They ran on all fours, heaving through the undergrowth, snapping dried limbs of past storm casualties, biting and growling at one another all the way. They made him smile. It had been too long. There was a time before the strike—before the committees, the police, the militias, and speeches—a time before the money—when the three had traveled under so many different trees in so many distant afternoons. A thought seared into his mind. Well, he thought, we were four then. A thunderhead’s wind blew his hair back, and he attributed the sudden darkening of the clouds to his imagination playing out before his eyes. Yes, we were four, he let slip, and we were happy. He clenched his eyes shut. He couldn’t afford to go that way—not now. Today was rare. Today was for the rascals, and he’d see that they keep it.

            He snapped from his dismal thoughts to find the older mutt careening back and forth with all four legs jabbing at the clouds above.

            “Get up!” he growled.

            The old dog leapt up, shaking off grass as he came, and yawned with a long, outstretched tongue and a satisfied old grin. He knew something.

            The dog’s white teeth and the mischievous eyes made the man laugh.

             “Ya old rascal,” he said. It made him happy that some things hadn’t changed. But then his nose curled as he noticed a brown smudge over the dog’s back.

            “Son of a bitch!” he barked, and the old dog ran off with his tongue loping out to the side of his mouth. “I hope you realize you’re getting a bath now.”

            The old dog fell back into rank at that, waddling behind his every step.

            “Oh,” he said, “playing the good dog won’t save you now.” He leaned down close and said, “Your fate is sealed.” And he got a very funny feeling at the pronunciation of those words.

            The old dog, however, declined to dignify the remark with so much as a nod.

            The two walked on, and he remembered a time once, way back it seemed, in the high country when it had been four of them and the world wasn’t a mess. The old dog was young then, nearly a pup, and had climbed into their tent covered in bear shit.

            He took a deep breath, and smiled to himself. The thunderheads above rolled purple. He whistled and the dogs followed. It was time to go. He’d been gone too long already.

            Yet there was the matter of a bath. He could not leave his old friend with a soiled coat in an empty house, so he set the spigot to warm, and climbed into the tub with the uneasy mutt.

            “Easy boy,” he whispered, “easy now.”

            He poured a cup of warm water over the dog’s back, over the smear. Muscles twitched under the fur. At the third cup, the dog heaved a heavy sigh, and accepted his fate, resting his head on his caretaker’s knee.
            Washing the dog made him remember times when he didn’t have to do this alone, and he wondered if the somber look in the dog’s eye suggested he wasn’t the only one.

            A breathless man worked his way up the stairs, ran down the hall, and knocked six times upon the door in rapid succession.

            “It’s happening. We need you in the square.”

            The voice sounded funny, carrying through the door. It sounded like a child speaking through a paper cup. He sighed, sitting there on the side of the tub. The young dog had fallen asleep on the floor, worn out from his time in the trees. The old dog wore a new towel and a new scent, courtesy of the day’s adventures. But his head was still there, his chin resting on the man’s knee. The old dog’s eyes watched the man’s turn to the door. It seemed he knew. The man rubbed the old dog’s ears a moment, everything in him screaming to stay, to remain, and to go back if he could—if only he could. But he could not. He knew that. So, he stood. He grabbed his coat from the counter and took two steps towards the door, where he halted. He looked back at the old dog, whose eyes watched him relentlessly.

            “Goodbye boy,” he whispered.
            He opened the door to find a disheveled young man out of breath.

            “I’m ready,” he said.